The Hard Part of a Hard Passage

 

Now comes the hard part (as if it hasn't been hard enough already).

During the past weeks since my friend Chandra's passing much of my time and emotional energy has been consumed with preparing for the events of yesterday: Her graveside service and the Zoom memorial we planned for that afternoon. I remember that same sense of purpose after my father-in-law died six years ago. In some ways I almost felt like Chandra wasn't quite gone. I was constantly in touch with people who knew and loved her--Lisa, Amy, Daren, Chandra's mom (mostly via Lisa). I was thinking about her, looking at pictures, checking in on her remembrance page multiple times a day, planning and preparing. It was sad, but it also felt as if there was still a bit of a connection.

But now all that is finished and what looms ahead is "normal life." Certainly, for those closest to Chandra, her husband, her daughters, her parents and siblings and others in the close family circle this is true. Unfortunately, I think those that are further removed--who find it easier to "move on"--forget that for those who loved her best, the hardest part is yet to come. That first time going back to work, going back to school, that first Christmas without her only weeks away, that's the hardest part. As painful as it is, it's nice to be able to focus your entire day around the person you've lost, and we are able to do that in that period between their death and the memorial services. But the return to life without them? It's unthinkable.  So I encourage you to keep the Maloney-Rudisaile family at the top of your prayer list in the weeks and months to come. They'll need your prayers, support and love more than ever.

I've also been reflecting on what we say about the ways people grieve. While it's true that everyone grieves differently, we tend to say when a person's struggle with loss shows--whether through weeping, numbness, or generally lack of keeping together that "they are not doing well." I've said it myself.  But I think we have it backwards. But maybe those that aren't keeping it together are doing just fine. Fully feeling and expressing our grief is a healthy thing, I think.  Maybe it's the folks who are"staying strong" who aren't doing well. Or maybe it's better not to draw conclusions about how a person is doing in the first place.  We all grieve differently.

That's what on my mind this Sunday evening, and it was little too long for a Facebook post.

Oh, I'm swimming in the grief
And there's no anchor that could hold me down
I don't want any relief
'Cause I don't wanna let you go right now

                            --NeedtoBreathe "Be Here Long"