Ten years ago, when I turned 40, I reflected on blessings I'd experienced in the first four decades of my life (you can read that entry here). For this milestone birthday, I thought I'd do something different. Esquire magazine has these little interview segments they call "What I've Learned" where a well-known person will provide little snippets of their life experience, beliefs, and values. I thought the occasion of my fiftieth birthday would be a good time to reflect a little bit on my own life experience, beliefs, and values. I don't know where I'll be in another ten or twenty years; I can't say for sure that these are set in stone. But they are where I am fifty years into this journey of life.
My faith is stronger than it's ever been and my doubts are more numerous. I hold deeper convictions and fewer dogmatic beliefs.
I've come to believe that everyone lives with pain of one sort or another, and for the vast majority of us that pain is significant. Life is much harder than our social media posts would lead us to believe. From that perspective I think I've gotten off pretty easy.
God has given me an amazing life--one that I didn't have the sense to dream for myself. I'm not the poster child for chasing your dreams and making them a reality. I think dreams realized can sometimes be not what we thought they'd be.
I have so many really great people in my life. I hear people talk about this or that toxic person they have to deal with, and I can't relate. There's no one I feel I need to excise from my life.
To experience a true soul connection with someone is rare. Some people live their whole lives without ever having that. I don't think having such a connection is necessary to have a meaningful and rich life, but if you have that, it's a nice bonus.
I don't like to say I'm #blessed. I have no judgement against those who do say that. It's just for me it feels kind of callous. I prefer to say I'm lucky, even though it sounds less spiritual. I think what I really am is grateful. That's better than blessed or lucky.
I used to think it would be great to be rich and famous. Then I decided that maybe I didn't want fame, but being rich would be great. Now I don't know that being rich matters all that much either. Being rich can't keep you from getting seasick, can't cure cancer, can't stop you from being in a car wreck, can't prevent you from getting older, can't protect you from losing the ones you love, can't make you have a happy marriage or be a good parent. I don't think that being rich is bad. I think it just is, with it's own unique set of advantages and disadvantages. Fame on the other hand? I don't see much upside to that at all.
As rewarding as my career as a teacher has been, I'm never been one to wake up excited to go to work. I wouldn't do it for free. It's a good thing I have to work, because if I didn't, I probably wouldn't and I'd be the poorer for it.
The constraints life places on us can sometimes be a blessing. God knows what He's doing.
Everybody needs some time on their own. Everybody needs some time all alone. Especially when you have kids.
Nothing lasts forever.
I'm not cool. Cool is not something you can choose to be. You either are or aren't. I've known a few cool people, and the ones of I'm thinking of are so humble and down to earth. And that part--being humble and down to earth-anyone can choose to be, cool or not. I don't think cool really matters much in the scheme of things. I think cool people would agree with me on that.
I've never been particularly interested in the education profession. I'm also not a "kid person." I don't spot a group of kids or teenagers and think, "Oh, let me go hang out with them." But since my very first class I've loved my students with my whole heart. I give them the very best that I can and am always looking to improve. But it doesn't come from a passion for teaching or a passion for kids, it comes from a passion for teaching my kids. I think my students know that.
I believe that the most important thing in life--maybe the only important thing in life--is to treat other people well and leave our corner of the world a little better for our having been there.
I've never been very spiritual. I'm more religious. But I think maybe those two are reversing as I get older. I think if God is truly as great, good, powerful, and glorious as we believe Him to be then we all are pretty much wrong in our understanding of Him (and no the Bible doesn't help as much with that as we'd like to think). If God is truly beyond our understanding, then by definition, we don't understand Him. Jesus came, in part so that we could understand God in a way that makes sense to us.
Theological Truth is not without value, but it's never more important than love. Truth at it's best amplifies love. Love tied to bad theology can cause real hurt. But I don't believe a loving God punishes us for not knowing the right facts.
Grief has taught me not to stress too much about life--especially about living up to the demands and expectations of others. I've always been a people pleaser, but I'm less of one now. I used to worry about if so and so is "mad at me". Now I'm just like "Oh, well." Losing someone you care about makes you realize that much of what you thought was so important wasn't. It's also made me more determined to identify the people that matter to me and be intentional about maintaining connections with them.
I don't worry about being masculine enough. I've spent my entire professional life surrounded by women--as colleagues, as superiors, as friends and it's never bothered me. I think fears about being "manly" or "man enough" are signs of insecurity and not really being at peace with oneself. I'm insecure about some things, but this is not one of them.
With few exceptions, people can't be "set straight." That's why I don't put much stock in "telling it like it is." It doesn't work, it just makes you feel better. It's not that people can't change. They can, but it's rare and when it happens it's because they decided to, not because you set them straight.
The exceptions are kids. As parents and teachers we have them for a narrow window of time when they are teachable and we have to use it. When that window closes, that's it. The other exceptions are adults who are seeking change.
Most people won't change their belief system unless is stops working for them. As long as it "works" no amount proselytizing is going to move them.
I have found that life is easier when you accept people as they are. Appreciate what they are able to give you in relationship. And accept that what they can't give, you'll have to find elsewhere.
I am a romantic at heart and an emotional person. I've learned to hide it well, but the music, books, and movies I like are the tell.
I can't think of anyone offhand that I hate or that I'm currently mad at. There are things that trigger me. There's a hymn I don't like because of who I associate it with, a car that I don't like because of who used to drive it. But I don't carry around bad feelings about people.
That said, I'm really on the fence about human nature. Are people basically good or basically awful? I tend to assume the best of people I don't know, not the worst. Yet human beings are capable of such savagery. I know as a Christian we are supposed to say that "we are all sinners" and thus we are all the same. But it really does seem to me that there are some people that are really worse than others. I haven't resolved this conundrum yet. Maybe by the time I'm 60, I'll more wisdom on this?
Most things we think of as strengths can also be weaknesses. And vice versa. It's all about channeling those characteristics and knowing when and how to apply them. I hate confrontation and by nature I want people to get along and I want them to like me. This can be a liability as often as it's an asset.
If you want to move people to action quickly, fear is an excellent tool. Media executives, politicians, and pastors know this. Unfortunately, it's not great for bringing about lasting change. But if you need to get numbers on the board quickly or keep eyeballs glued to your screen fear is the way to go.
I don't think hate is the problem. I'm talking about the -sims: racism, sexism, etc not hate that comes from being hurt or wronged. Greed, selfishness, pride, cruelty, and the need to control other people for our own benefit are the problem. Hate comes about in the oppressor when the oppressed won't stay in their lane and accept their oppression.
I hit the jackpot with Barbara. I'm grateful every day for her. It's not that we don't have problems. We do. Significant ones that have been present since the start of our relationship and still haven't really been resolved. We're not talking about which way the toilet paper goes. But they are manageable, and when I look at what other people have to go through, all I can say is that I really lucked out.
I don't think anyone should have a goal of getting married. If you meet someone you want to share the rest of your life with, by all means, get married. But otherwise, it's better to be single than married and miserable. No one can make you happy but they sure can make you unhappy.
We all (well most of us, I'm guessing) feel at one time or another like failed parents. There are so many things I would do differently if I could go back to the start. But I have to remind myself that I have two children that I've raised more or less the same way. Any issues (or strengths) that don't appear in both children are likely due to their personalities and not to my parenting. When the same problem pops up with both kids--well, that's probably on me.
One of the worst things you can do as a parent is try to make your children happy. It's an impossible task and the more you try the more miserable they will be. And in the process you teach your kids that happiness comes from outside of themselves. Especially with food. Don't ask your kids what they want to eat. Let them be hungry if they don't want what's being made. They won't starve, I promise. I'm not saying this because I did this but because I didn't and we're still reaping the consequences.
One of my greatest fears is that I've messed up my kids. I think about Eli and David in the Bible a lot.
I'm not as humble, kind, or unselfish as I would like to be and as I hope I appear.
I feel like I'm right probably 90% of the time. I don't feel like I have to be right. I just feel like I am.
A few weeks back I was out for a run and noticed that almost everyone in the neighborhood had put out their recycle bins even though this wasn't the week when recycling was picked up. I knew they were wrong. I knew it and was smug in my knowledge. I figured they were sheep. Someone got the week wrong and put their bin out, a neighbor saw it and put their bin out and others followed suit and soon the whole neighborhood had done it. But not me. I knew the schedule. Turns out everyone else was right and I was wrong--they picked up the recycling. Thankfully, when I got home, I put my bin out too, but only because ours was totally full and I couldn't afford to be wrong. I learned a lot from that.
I'm a good writer. Maybe not great. But pretty good. I'm an excellent storyteller.
I keep wondering these days, if I've hit my peak already. Have I already run the fastest I'll ever run? Has my mind already been the sharpest it'll ever be? I've always had a very strong memory and I still do have a remarkable propensity for remembering the tiniest facts. But lately I find sometimes I have trouble remembering a name or specific word. It's right there on the edge of memory and I can't seem to retrieve it. That worries me. Developing Alzheimer's/dementia is my biggest fear about growing older. I've always lived a life of the mind and to lose that would be devastating.
I don't know that I want this to be the halfway point in my life. I'm at peace with my life being more than halfway over. I'm not sure living to 100 is all that great. My 106 year old grandmother certainly doesn't think so. If I'm in excellent health and everyone I love is also a centenarian then maybe.
Life is short. Live it well.
