It's something unpredictable
But in the end, it's right
I hope you had the time of your life
--Green Day, "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"
A lot of people miss the caustic undercurrent, hidden behind those plaintive guitar chords and seemingly sentimental lyrics. The title tells you, if you miss it in the lyrics. For many people, it sums up how they feel about their high school years: Good riddance.
I don't know who I'm writing this to. But in a class of one hundred I know there have to be at least a few that did not have the time of their lives and are more than happy to leave it all behind. And I want to say, for the record, that is okay. For those of you who want nothing more to do with Forest Lake Academy or any of the people who went there, I say, you also are part of our band of misfits that make up the class of 92. I honor your decision to turn away from a painful past and move on. With our 30th alumni reunion just four weeks away, I understand that there are some of you out there who have no intention of attending this reunion or any other for that matter (And let's be real--the likelihood that you are reading this post if you feel this way is pretty slim, but still). And I accept that.
Because let's be honest, not everyone had a great time at Forest Lake Academy. Not everyone was happy. It wasn't the best years of everyone's life (And there's something to be said for that--nobody wants to peak in high school!) It certainly wasn't mine.
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| This photo was taken on our senior class trip. And while I was clowning when the photo was taken it is a window into how I was feeling at the time. |
By the second half of my senior year--right this very moment thirty years ago--I was in the midst of pretty severe depression and was even flirting with suicidal ideation. There were a lot of reasons for this--ones I won't get into here--but suffice it to say that much of the second half of senior year was a pretty dark time for me. I doubt many people knew that--I don't think it really showed, but nonetheless it was a reality. I was fortunate to have some good friends that helped me through that time--J Carlos, Chandra Maloney, Chris Cotta, Carissa Berard, the group of girls I affectionately called The War Pig (Susan Scott, Jennifer Burrill, Linda Park, Tonya Simoes, and Lena McDowell) and others were a crucial support to me then whether they knew it or not. By the time we hit graduation, I was done with Forest Lake and determined to get as far away from the school and everyone I knew there as I possibly could. Thus my decision to attend Andrews University rather than Southern. My freshman year at Andrews this was one of my "theme songs:"
"'Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
Some things could be better
If we'd all just let them be"
What's odd is that though I wasn't exactly happy for much my senior year, for some reason I still look back on high school with mostly warm feelings. Despite my misery, I have good memories from my senior year--memories I'll always treasure.
That's a bit of my story, but I know that many of you have your own story, your own reasons why you did not have the time of your life at Forest Lake. Maybe it was because we--your classmates--were not very kind. Even though we might not have had the typical cliques in our class, with the athletic heroes at the top, there was still a definite pecking order and we all knew it. Maybe there are people you have fallen out with--people who you once called friends, but who you now have no desire to call or see at all. Or perhaps you have changed a lot since those days three decades ago and don't care to be reminded of the person you used to be. It could be that you've stepped away from the religion of our youth and have no interest in returning to a damaging spiritual experience. Maybe it was a toxic experience of racism, sexism, or homophobia, of knowing that "we can't have that at Forest Lake." Maybe the FLA years are stained by grief and trauma. It's possible that like me, you struggled with depression or other mental health challenges during your high school years. Or it could be that you have no particularly strong feelings one way or another about high school. It is simply in the past and you feel no need to revisit it. All of these feelings are valid and I just felt our journey thirty years back in time would not be complete without acknowledging those among us who quietly do not wish to go.
So to whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope that you are okay. I hope that life has been better to you than it was all those years ago. I hope you are at peace and happy. I wish you well.
"I miss you, and I hope that you're okay"
Nothing's forever, nothing is as good as it seems
And when the clouds are ironed out
And the monsters creep into your house
And every door is hard to close
With the courage to unlearn all of their hatred
God, I hope that you're happier today
'Cause I love you, and I hope that you're okay"
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