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| Barbara and me with Clarie and Rex Kosack at the Kosack's home in Saipan. Christmas Day, 2006 |
"Life is short. I want to live it well."
Those are not Rex's words. But they could easily have been. Because that's exactly what he did. He lived it well. And because of that I can hear his voice saying those words as clearly as if he had actually said them. I can picture us gathered in the living room of his and Clarie's beautiful home up on Wireless Ridge in Saipan. We are getting ready to take our leave after an evening of growth and deep sharing, and I can hear Rex saying those words as some sort of a conclusion to a point he was making, offering this nugget of profound wisdom with his trademark mix of humility and confidence.
Rex's life was shorter than it deserved to be. For a man who was so much larger than life, it seems impossible that death could take him at this time. But cancer is a rat. . .
But in the time that Rex had, he lived life to the fullest. He lived it well. Rex lived an active life. Cycling and windsurfing were among his many physical pursuits. He also lived an active life of the mind. He was attorney and a sharp one at that. I would not have wanted to face him in a courtroom. I would definitely want to have him representing me. But Rex also lived an active life of the spirit. He became a convert to the Christian faith as an adult and was an active member of his church. He and his wife Clarie were also an integral part of the Marriage Encounter leadership team in Saipan. It was through Marriage Encounter that we came to know and eventually became friends with Rex.
For most people Marriage Encounter is a weekend experience, three days of bonding and deep sharing with your spouse. Even though you are at the weekend with a lot of other couples and spend at least some of the time in seminar type presentations, you really don't get to know anyone else other than your spouse during the weekend--and that's as it should be. But Saipan has something unique, something you won't find many other places--if anywhere at all. We have the "M.E." (Marriage Encounter) community, and Rex and Clarie Kosack were an instrumental part of that follow up. They coordinated a ten week series of weekly meetings called "Steps Along the Journey." In them, participants review the concepts they learned at the weekend in depth. And this time, its not "just the two of us. " We share this experience with two to three other couples led by a facilitating couple. The evening consists of some teaching and a lot of discussion among the couples and, if things went well, what Rex would call "deep sharing"; the sort of honesty that can only manifest where trust has been built. Rex and Clarie were our facilitators in "Steps Along the Journey" and their mentorship and example enhanced our marriage immeasurably.
Babs and I used to look forward so much those trips up to the Kosack's place every week . It was our date night, and as such included incredible food and romantic panoramic views of the island from the Kosack's patio as the sun set over the sea and the lights of Saipan twinkled on. But more than that, it was a time when we grew as a couple in a safe, loving space with other couples who became friends like family, couples who helped us know we weren't alone in the struggles that come with sharing your life with another human being. Some of the stories shared on those evenings were incredible, life-changing, and I've never forgotten them. And Rex and Clarie presided over all of this. We and the other couples jokingly referred to them as our "Step Parents." They set a sterling example of a working marriage. Just to watch the two of them interact, the synergy between them--Rex always the talker, Clarie the quiet, bedrock of the team. It was truly beautiful to observe them; the love they shared was palpable. Rex and Clarie were different in fundamental ways--their differences would have broken up lesser marriages. But in them we saw that it was possible to navigate those differences and find a marriage that could last lifetime.
After completing our first "Steps Along the Journey" we signed on for "Steeper Steps" a four night series that focused specifically on anger and forgiveness. We did a lot of reading--excerpts from classic literature, short essays, and Simon Wiesenthal's book The Sunflower, and then met with the other couples to discuss how what we'd read applied to issues of anger and forgiveness in marriage. Rex always had wise insights to share and he helped us see these difficult issues in fresh new ways. It was powerful stuff. When we finished, "Steeper Steps", Babs and I were sold on the principles of Marriage Encounter and became active members of the "ME" Community on Saipan ourselves. We volunteered on the Marriage Encounter weekends, and went through "Steps Along the Journey" and "Steeper Steps" again, this time co-facilitating with Rex and Clarie so that we could become facilitators ourselves. We then went on to facilitate our own Steps meetings, becoming "Step parents" to other couples. It was one of the most rewarding and enriching experiences from our time in Saipan.
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| A Saipan Marriage Encounter community Valentine's Day Banquet, February 2006. You can spot Rex and Clarie in the back row; Clarie is framed by the right side of the balloon heart and Rex is to next to her on the right. |
One of the most rewarding aspects was the friendship that we gained in Rex. He and Clarie became very dear to us. We always enjoyed spending time with them. Rex was an avid gardener and he'd take us on tours of the his extensive gardens on their property. He gifted Barbara with plants of his own for her to plant in our yard, as Barbara was eager to get in to gardening. We'd see them at the interfaith service at sunrise on Easter Sunday and we enjoyed going to hear Rex preach at his church. On Christmas morning, their house was one of our stops for the day, where we'd enjoy a nice chat with Rex and Clarie and leave them with a gift of some home-baked cookies. There were many special times like that. We came to rely on the Kosacks as wise counselors, almost like parents, that we could rely on whether for sound legal counsel or for advice on some of the biggest decisions of our lives.
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| Me with our two sons and Rex at lunch at Capriciosa restaurant in Saipan, April 2014, the last time I saw Rex in person. |
After we moved back to the U.S. mainland in 2009, we didn't see as much of Rex as we would have liked. When we visited Saipan in 2010, we missed connections with Rex and Clarie, though we did have a nice lunch with them in 2014 when we came back to the island again. That was the last time we saw Rex in person. The last time we spoke with him, was when he and Clarie joined Barbara's 50th birthday party on Zoom in August of 2020. At that time, we talked about plans to come out and visit them in Port Townsend, Washington where they would soon be moving. Rex was finally retiring and after an entire professional life in Saipan, they were relocating to the U.S. Mainland for good. We didn't know then that cancer had already begun it's deadly march on Rex and that the opportunities to get together were far fewer than we realized.
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| Rex and Clarie in a screen capture from Barbara's 50th birthday party on Zoom. August 9, 2020. This was the last time we talked to Rex in person and it was a wonderful little moment as he shared some meaningful memories from our friendship. We had plans to get together stateside; plans that will now have to be put on hold this side of eternity. |
By February of this year, the news reached us that Rex was in the heat of battle with cancer--a nemesis he termed the RAT. Clarie posted updates on CaringBridge letting us and other friends know how the battle was going. They had just returned to Saipan near the end of November to close up the law office and ship their personal affects to their new home in Washington when things took a turn for the worse.
And then on December 16, Rex was gone.
A great man leaves a great hole. And Rex Kosack was a truly great man. So we feel his loss keenly. But as much as we mourn his passing, we celebrate his life, a life he truly lived well. Not just because of his prowess as a lawyer, his athletic adventures, his many travels, but most of all because of the many lives he touched. It was his legacy of love, kindness, good humor, wisdom, and friendship that made Rex Kosack's life truly-well lived.
Rex had one life to live, a love of a lifetime that he shared with Clarie. He had one full heart, and two hands with which he gave us all so much. And in the end that was more than enough.
He lived it well.
Thanks, Rex, for being a friend, an example, an inspiration. I love you and I look forward to seeing you on the other side.
Take the anchors off my lungs
Take me broken and make me one
Break the silence and make it a song
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah
Even if some notes come out right and some come out wrong
'Cause I can't take none of that through the door
Yeah, I'm living for more than just a funeral
I wanna burn brighter than the dawn
One life, one story to tell
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well, yeah
I got one voice, but maybe that's enough
'Cause with one heartbeat and two hands to give
I got one shot and one life to live
One life to live, yeah
And every breath you take is a miracle
One life, one story to tell (one love)
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for (the one, yeah)
Awaken all my soul
Every breath that you take is a miracle
Life is short; I wanna live it well
And you're the one I'm living for
(One love) One life, one love
(One voice) One voice, yeah
(And that's enough) And that's enough, oh
(One heartbeat, two hands to give)
I got one shot and one life to live
One life to live
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