The last full day of Senior Survival, Tuesday, November 5 is the day that has stuck with me the most out of our entire adventure. The day is a blur. I guess we had more classes and more activities but I did not detail these in my journal. What will stick with me forever was that last night.
Things had taken a dramatic turn with some of my classmates and when I recapped that day, the entry was short reflecting the anxiety I was feeling:
"I'm very upset and don't feel much like writing. ***** has lost it again and this time it's worse than ever. She won't talk to anyone. . .There's nothing I can do but pray.
Nothing much else. Chris C & Joey actually were out by our camp last night. So what. Nothing but ****** seems important right now. Got in and out of trouble with Reams group. Who cares."
Everything that had seemed such a "big deal" before now paled in comparison to much weightier concerns. In my mind nothing less than life and death were at stake. Wars with other teams seemed silly now.
The next day Wednesday, November 6, we packed up and headed back to civilization. That evening I concluded my account of Senior Survival with a description of that memorable night.
"Aah. . .a bath, flashing toilets, a soft bed, a house, a car! I'm glad to be home. I'm very short on time but I will write what I can. About what I was upset about last night. The situation has remained basically the same. It hasn't gotten worse, thank God. I talked to Rees and J about it last night and they understood. It was a very spiritual, emotional time for us. We snuck out of camp around 12:45 and went out to the meeting circle to talk. We stayed there till like three o clock this morning talking and praying. . .
This morning we broke camp and packed up our things. That's really about all we did. I talked to Jenny for a real long time. It was a good talk. . .We got back around 1:20 PM"
I remember being so upset and worried for my friends. I remember sneaking out of camp and making our way down to the meeting circle, with "the stars shining like nails in the sky." I remember sitting around the dying embers of the fire talking and praying together. I remember J punching the air as if shadowboxing Evil itself, as if he were trying to "kick the darkness until it bleeds daylight." In that electric moment I believed, perhaps for the first time, really believed in love, in the power of prayer, in good and evil, in God and the devil. Everything felt so real, so urgent, so meaningful in those early morning hours. You can chalk it up to typical adolescent angst, but I felt like the three of us experienced a sort of spiritual enlightenment that night. It's hard to describe, but I'll never forget how it felt.
Many years went by and one day I heard a song that took me back to that last night of Senior Survival, when we sat around the glowing goals in the shivering cold and felt like our eyes were opened and we could see things so clearly, little knowing that we were still so young. We had no idea. Life was just happening. I brought nothing physical back from my time on Senior Survival. I still have the army cap I wore, but nothing else. My souvenirs are my mental pictures of everything. My memories of that night as well as so many other memories--listening to Dale, connecting with Jenny, being with Chandra, being carried by Geri, talking to Carissa, hanging with the Turkeys, bonding with that wonderful bunch of misfits that were the class of 92--all of these are my souvenirs.
I close my eyes and I can see them all--Carissa, Dale, Jenny (both of them), Pam, Greg, J, Rees, Geri, Chris, Heather, Jeff, Joey, Mark, Steve and so many more.
And of course, Chandra, my friend forever. I can see her smiling, and she's so alive.
Here's to the memories
These are my souvenirs
My mental pictures of everything
Here's to the late nights
Here's to the firelight
These are my souvenirs
My souvenirs
I can see you're smiling, you're so alive
We were so young, we had no fear
We were so young, we had no idea
That life was just happening
Life was just happening
Shining like fireflies
These are my souvenirs
The memory of a lifetime
We were wide-eyed with everything
Everything around us
We were enlightened by everything
Everything
I can see you smiling, you're so alive
I close my eyes and go back in time
You were just a child then, and so was I
We were so young, we had no fear
We were so young, we had no idea
That nothing lasts forever
Nothing lasts forever
Nothing lasts
Nothing lasts
You and me together
Were always now or never
Can you hear me?
I close my eyes and go back in time
I can see you smiling, you're so alive
I close my eyes and go back in time
You were wide-eyed, you were wide-eyed
We were so young, we had no fear
We were so young, we had just begun
A song we knew, but we never sang
It burned like fire inside our lungs
And life was just happening (and nothing lasts, nothing lasts forever)
And life was just happening (and nothing lasts, nothing lasts forever)
I wouldn't trade it for anything
My souvenirs.
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