Dear Chandra,
How can you be gone? I keep asking myself that question over and over again. How can you be gone? What I want more than anything is to call you up and talk about this. The sad irony is that I don't think anyone else besides you fully understood what you meant to me, what we meant to each other, and so you are the only one who could understand what I'm feeling right now. You would get it. I want to let you know that I really do value your friendship. I hope you knew that.
I will never forget where I was, the very spot in my front yard, which I'd just finished mowing, when Daren called. I looked down at my phone and saw your name on the incoming call, and my heart just smiled. We hadn't spoken on the phone since June and I was happily surprised that you were calling and wondering what might be the occasion. I picked up the call and said "Hi Chandra!" and Daren, said "No, it's Daren." I was surprised that he was calling me, and on your phone; it was the first hint that something was wrong but even then I could not have imagined. "Hi Daren, how's it going?" I said. "Not good at all," he replied. And then he said the words that have been playing in my mind like a broken record ever since. I keep hearing his voice telling me you were gone and I still can't believe it. How can you be gone? I just want to go back to that moment and make it not true.
There was a comfort I took for granted in knowing you were out there in California, raising your beautiful girls, and navigating this crazy thing called life. I know it wasn't always easy, but you were such a fighter. You had such a beautiful, tender heart, and so much more courage than you ever imagined. I just can't believe you're gone. How can you be gone? I thought we'd have more time. I thought "one of these days"--maybe when this COVID business was over--we'd get our families together. Our kids would meet. Your Kendal and my Elijah, your Karsyn and my Ezra, each the same age. How cool is it that both of our kids were born just months apart--Kendal three months after Elijah and Karsyn two months before Ezra. While they played, we'd do some real catching up--the kind you can't do so well through text and Facebook Messenger.
I know you'd be so angry by this sudden turn, this crashing end. You would hate this. Leaving your girls, your family, everyone who loved you and who you loved so very much. This is not right. It's just not right. How can you be gone?
I'm so grateful for the contact we've had in recent years. I only wish it could have been more. The last time I saw you in person was in 2014, the last time we spoke was in June of this year, and the last text message I got from you was on my birthday, August 3. But our last exchange on Facebook Messenger, from May of this year, is one I especially treasure. We were reflecting on our journey of friendship that began all those years ago when were just high school kids, at Forest Lake Academy, grateful that through all the ups and downs, our friendship had survived intact:
That was your last FB Message to me and it's one I will always treasure. One thing I know for sure. We are now certain to be friends forever. And Forever is where I'll find you. That makes me happy too, even through these tears.
I love you so much. I miss you so much. I never thought I could miss you like this.
Friends Forever
Love,
Sean
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
--"Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor (Feat. Holly Brook & Jonah Matranga)
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