"What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”
--William Shakespeare, "Romeo & Juliet"
Famed musicians David Evans and Paul Hewson
For quite some time I’ve been baffled by the strong responses we sometimes get from people when they learn that our oldest son has changed his name. Where I would expect to get a shrug and an “Okay”, I get questions that strike me as “none-of-their-business”: “Why?” “Is it a nickname?” “Is that the name of someone in your family?”. On other occasions I get a strong whiff of disapproval. People don’t typically say it but there’s a sense of “Who does he think he is? He can’t change his name.” What I sometimes do hear is even worse and more direct: A flat refusal to acknowledge the change, a scoffing “No that’s not his name. His name is **insert birthname here**” It’s especially hurtful for us and for Kai when those kinds of responses are made in his hearing or directly to his face. Even little kids--classmates of Kai’s younger brother--seem to feel it is their right and place to speak strongly on what Kai’s name really is.
I suppose I could understand if the name change reflected a different gender or something like that, but there’s nothing about the name Kai that suggests that sort of new self-identification. No, it’s just that he had the temerity to change his name.
I don’t get it.
Or at least I didn’t until recently, when I finally understood that our names are not--in most cases--who we are. Our names are who other people say we are. They are not so much about self-identity, as they are about who we are to the group. When I really began to think about it, I realized that names are almost always given to people by others, and almost never chosen by the person themselves. This is true for the names given us by our parents, but also for our nicknames, our titles, and even our true spiritual names like the ones that God gave to Abram and Jacob. And the ones that will be given to us by God one day. Our names are social constructs. They are literally labels. And so it makes sense that there would be an immediate tension, a sense of discomfort when someone decides to break out of that construct and do what no one is allowed to do--choose their own name. When someone decides to break away from the social order in this way, it feels part and parcel of a general move in our culture towards people taking power away from the group and claiming it for themselves. This whole “I identify as. . .” thing. There's a hard reaction to that kind of boldness:. “You don’t get to decide that, we do!” Think about it, if a kid starts being called “Pookie” while growing up and it sticks, no one bats an eye. Because the kid didn’t choose that name. The group did. If on the other hand, the kid announces, from now on I want to be called “Pookie” the group would resist it. The kid is taking on a power that does not belong to him.
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| "Yeah, but that's different. He converted to Islam so he had a 'legitimate' reason to change his name and people were cool with it". . .Actually they weren't. There were major newspapers at the time that refused to acknowledge Ali's chosen name and insisted on referring to him as Cassius Clay. It took time for people to come around. |
There’s one interesting exception to this rule though. It’s artists and entertainers. This is the one arena where it’s quite common for people to change their own names, and for society to give them a pass. From Jay-Z to Madonna to Prince (and the unpronounceable symbol he had for awhile) to Bono & The Edge to John Wayne and Marilyn Monroe, choosing your own name in the world of the arts is not only accepted, it’s commonplace. I don’t know why it’s different for musicians and movie actors but I think it’s pretty cool. And I think it might be okay to let us regular people do the same without all the hassle.
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| Marion Robertson changed both his first and last name. I guess Marion doesn't quite have the same ring. |
I highly doubt my son’s name change is a “phase.” He seems really happy with Kai, and at some point he will probably make it legal (at which point people will have to call him by the name he’s chosen!). And Barbara and I, as his parents are okay with it. It’s not like we had any special connection to his birth name--at least in the case of his first name (He kept his middle name). It’s not like he’s named after someone special to us. It was just a name we liked, that’s all. And even though we didn’t pick Kai, we like it too.
Kai loves to draw and he’s done some acting in his young life, so it helps, think of him as an artist and maybe you’ll feel a bit better. And for those who just can’t stomach the idea of him choosing his own name, how about this: His mother and I are calling him Kai. We’d appreciate you doing the same.
